A Poem on Pain

My Pain

Scared to move, scared to sit still.
Mind plays tricks. Is it false or is it real?

I slowly stretch in anticipation.
The body and mind move with trepidation.
Mind knows what it needs to do,
Body closes down, reluctant to move.

I battle between movement and stillness,
Yet my body and mind both become restless.
Mindfulness, deep spiritual awareness, meditation,
Doesn’t seem to support this sense of desperation.

I yearn and long for my body that once was,
Before I took a fall from that sacred horse.

What lessons am I here to learn?
The teachings, the classrooms, I take in turn.

As my mind clouds up from the pain,
I dive into my darkest shadows once again.

Overwhelmed, my monkey mind dances in chaotic denial.
I work hard to settle, to soothe, to relax, to smile.

Relationships shake in the messiness of my recovery.
One step to fix, two steps I fall, five steps towards bravery.
I will not lose it all.

Trial and error through pain and rehabilitation.
Some highs, some lows, acceptance and reconciliation.

Pain, you are walking with me right now.
We must walk as allies. I am learning how.

Pain, we become deeply acquainted as you spear through my limbs.
You take my breath. I wince and yelp. My light quietly dims.

Pain, my daily friend and foe,
I don’t like you, yet I understand that you help me grow.

You help me see the truth of my life:
That is to nurture love, to find contentment, to let go of the strife.

Pain, I applaud the suffering you bring,
But let me tell you this—you shall not win.
For I shall walk with you hand in hand, side by side,
But you will not prevail. You will not cast me aside.
You will not beat me down and crush me.
I will hold firm, deeply rooted, as strong as land and sea.

With each step I take, one foot in front of the other,
I remember you, Pain, as we stand together.

In harmony, in poetic, unencumbered dancing,
Surely you are only here to teach me the lessons of enhancing?

Enhancing my skills, my knowledge, my wisdom,
Of how best to love,
to live,
to flourish in my kingdom.

One day, Pain, I hope you will surrender and abandon my castle,
Where I can rest with ease, my body calm and gentle.

Until that day comes, until you decide to go away,
I shall honour and welcome your choice to stay.

But please know this, and please know this well, Pain:
My strength, my courage, my desire to grow mean I will not wish to see you again.

For now, though, I accept this is where we both reside.
No walking, stumbling, or running to hide.

I will learn to see you, to feel you with grace,
As you spread that grimace upon my face.

I will learn the art of patience and to take things slow,
When my mind is telling me to
go,
go,
go.

Pain, whilst we dance this tribal ritual together,
I will sit with you quietly, to remember.

To remember my roots, my authentic being.
As we twist, turn, fall, and rise, each movement uncovers meaning.

The movement of discovery, shedding past identities,
Somehow, Pain, you became a key.

A key to unlocking some secrets within.
It’s uncomfortable. It’s ugly… a reminder here, Jess, to breathe out and breathe in.

Breathe out and breathe in.
Breathe out and breathe in.

Pain, I breathe you in, I breathe you out.
A sense of calm washes over me, yet I yearn to scream and shout.

Honour the anger. Honour the pain.
Know that there should be no shame.

Let this be said once again to you, Pain,
As I feel you hold tight, calling my name.
I will accept, for now, that you are here,
But soon there will come a moment when you are to leave me, my dear.
And in that moment you leave I shall open the door,
Standing firm in the knowledge you are not welcome here anymore.
Leave with my love, leave with grace,
Leave me with a smile upon my face.